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When we hear the phrase “reciprocity in friendship” it may seem easy to associate its meaning with the idea of expecting friends to return to us what we give to them. Actually, that is more like the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This is not a bad point of reference, but reciprocity in friendship goes beyond a surface exchange of pleasantries in friendship.
Last month, I had the pleasure of interviewing a dear friend for an episode of The Coaching Connection in our series, “Flourishing Friendship.” Zee Dean and I discussed this very topic, Reciprocity in Friendship. Zee shared something that I believe so perfectly captures the essence of reciprocity when she stated, “Reciprocity is not equal, but mutual.”
This statement was profound because it reminded me of the same principle, we often apply to our marriage relationships. What your spouse may need, desire, or appreciate in marriage may not always be an exact replica of what you need, desire or appreciate. If we only give another person exactly what they give us, then the relationship is based upon transactional and mechanical interactions. Reciprocity says, “I am going to give you what is authentically beneficial to you because I want our friendship to reflect a mutual exchange of support, respect, and effort, even when it is not delivered as a carbon copy of what I have received.”
Proverbs 11:25 (NIV) offers us such wisdom as we consider reciprocity in friendship, “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” A generous friend is not generous in friendship because they want to be refreshed in return. They are simply generous because they want to be a good friend. The byproduct of their generosity is reaped in the reciprocity of the friendship as they are refreshed in mutual ways.
My friend Zee shared four points to consider as it relates to what reciprocity will require of us in friendship: love, maturity, boundaries, and grace. I want to offer you insights on each of these I have found meaningful along my own friendship journey.
Love
Everything in our friendships must start and end with love. We should let all things be said out of love and done in love. Love also covers a multitude of sin, keeps no record of wrongs, and is quick to forgive. When we choose to exercise unconditional love in friendship, we are loving others the way God loves us. Without
The love of God flowing through us, reciprocity in friendship is impossible.
Maturity
Immature women make for immature friends. This is why it is so important that we are consistently growing in our personal relationship with Christ in order that we can likewise grow in relationships with others. When differences arise in friendships, our spiritual maturity will often inform our response. We can decide to be godly, or we can choose to be petty. Maturity helps us to frame our actions and reactions with a mindset that entreats others in a way that honors God, even when circumstances are not to our preference. When we exercise maturity in friendship, we can show each other reciprocity in friendship without hesitation.
Boundaries
Boundaries is not a bad word. In fact, all healthy relationships have them. Reciprocity in friendship must be demonstrated in a healthy manner, which means respecting our boundaries and those of our friends. Boundaries help provide safety in friendship, and they also remove any sense of pressure to keep up with unrealistic expectations regarding reciprocity. Boundaries help us to maintain and self-monitor appropriate expectations. With correct expectations, it becomes easier for us to uphold reciprocity in friendship.
Grace
Where would we be without the grace of God? It is because of God’s grace given to us, we in turn can extend grace to others. Grace is what sustains our friendships throughout every changing season. Grace empowers us to embrace others and not judge them. Grace offers us strength to show up as the best friend we can possibly be to another person. Grace allows us to experience longevity in our friendships. May our prayer always be, “Lord, let me be a graceful woman who is also a grace-giving friend.” If all of us prayed this prayer, just imagine how grace-filled our friendships would be and how easy it would be to show one another reciprocity in friendship.
We all want to be remembered by our friends, and reciprocity offers us a delightful way to celebrate mutuality in our friendships. We were not meant to do life alone. Friends are our best companions.
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